It gradually rolled over me yesterday, like the darkness at dusk. My partner asked if it was all the pressure from going back to working and studying at the same time, but honestly I don’t feel much pressure from all that (yet), classes have only just started and we’re still just being introduced to concepts. Even if I did feel the pressure, I’ve always been a grinder… I can keep cranking until I drop to the floor when I’m levelheaded, but when the darkness creeps in, it’s like moving through treacle. I still do it, but it takes 10x the energy.
Really the issue was a bit of a combination of lone wolf syndrome, and a bit of travel anxiety about my upcoming trip.
The first is largely about how I’ve always felt different, and like I didn’t quite fit in. In the last few years I’ve started to see this as a blessing, and loved being different. I even built a bit of an armour around myself so that people’s negative comments about it just bounced off, which could at times make me seem a little stand-offish, but I was just protecting my own personal energy. I think I have been having such a great time lately, and around great people, and I let my guard all the way down, letting some of the taint in…
The latter is because I always worry that I am going to forget something when I go travelling! And since this will be my first long haul, I keep trying to think of whatever I might have missed! I’m also not great with turbulence so I’m trying not to think about the fact that there’s a cyclone headed our way…
Anywho, life goes on. I know I’m being irrational when it hits, so as usual I withdrew and kept to myself until I finished work, had a mini meltdown when I got home and let the yuck out, and pulled myself together in time for my guitar lesson.
Anxiety is a bitch, but I wholeheartedly believe everything I’m doing is worth fighting for, and worth slugging up the hill until it flattens out into a plateau again. I’m also incredibly grateful for the people in my life who get it, and don’t add to the pile of yuck by making me feel even less adequate for being down about irrational things, when I’m already on the floor.
Stay grateful x